I Don’t Even Know

This blog really isn’t for whoever may stumble across this or really anyone, this blog is for me, to help me figure out my thoughts. I’m on a writing stroll, so why stop? This week, I confessed my affection toward the woman I adore this week. She has a boyfriend, but timing has always been bad for me in regards to relationships and I am not the type of guy to barge in with a confident swagger and tell all immediately–many men will, with the excuse that if she doesn’t have a ring, go for it. Personally I hate that idea because who knows, I may be on the opposite end of that idea one day, and the damage that does for so many promising relationships. Either way, ever since day one when I first met her, I felt guilty for liking her because she had a boyfriend. I would not even say it’s a case of desiring something I can’t have. I loathe jealously, a favorite quotation of mine: “Don’t waste your time on jealously. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” It is such a true statement and one I truly stand by. There are, after all, almost 7 billion people in the world all vying for the various things. When I think about it, I’ve always felt guilty about liking some women because I usually get them to tell me who they are fond of and once they tell me, it gives me a reason not to pursue them because they like someone else never assuming it will ever be me. However, in no ways am I assuming she feels the same way about me as I do about her.

In all cases till now, if I meet someone new and they already have a boyfriend, something is triggered in my mind and I make a concerted effort not to increase my fondness for them, except from a strictly platonic standpoint and nothing usually goes beyond that. Somehow it works all the time. What has bothered me since I met, let’s call her Juanita, is that I haven’t been able to set off that platonic trigger in my head and it is with complete intentionality in trying not to adore her anymore than I already do that this has happened; it may because of all the uncanny similarities that exist between us added to my trying so hard not to think about her that I am, inadvertently and obviously thinking more about her. And for this reason, I felt/still feel guilty for liking her. In the end, I suppose as it was once famously written somewhere the man does not control the heart, rather the heart controls the man. With that guilt, I told her I did not want to interfere and fuck up what she and her current boyfriend have going for them and I truly hope the best of happiness for both of them. That idea was challenged by her because I never met her boyfriend, but I don’t feel you have to meet somebody to appreciate the goodness of humanity in them, and I can still wish the best to someone I never met. My subconscious desire (which really makes me feel like a jerk and more guilty) is fighting my conscious desire and belief that the betterment of many is far superior to the betterment of one. In this case that idea balances out since there really aren’t many. With that assumption, two people remain happy and one remains content and continues to pursue philosophical pronunciations. Yet still I can’t shake the guilt, but hopefully someday–does it make me too empathetic or too cowardly? I simply write all this to think out loud and sort through the cobwebs upstairs.